QUESTION

My parents ignored me when I was growing up, and I just want someone to love me. If I have a baby to love me, will that satisfy my need, even though I am only 18?

ANSWER

First of all, the answer is not searching for something to “love you” but to understand why it is that you don’t feel loved; my understanding of the mind says to me that your lack of feeling loved is based on your experiences in early childhood; the question now becomes, “Would a child be the vehicle to love?”

My answer to this would be no.

You must learn to love yourself even though at times you don’t understand yourself; in my opinion, you can never find love outside of yourself.

Having an infant is not about wanting to be loved by him or her; it’s about providing unconditional love TO THEM; this will difficult if you are looking for the same thing the infant is looking for, which is essentionaly “wanting to be loved”.

I would suggest to you to explore (with a therapist) just how your parents ignoring you impacted you; understanding this will allow you to heal the place that you don’t feel loved and will one day lead to a life that most importantly will be more fullfilling.

QUESTION

I hear a lot about depression and bipolar disorder on TV commercials.  I feel very sad sometimes.  How do I know if I may have bipolar disorder or just depression?

ANSWER

The NIMH describes a Depressive Disorder as “an illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts. It affects the way a person eats and sleeps, the way one feels about oneself, and the way one thinks about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with a depressive illness cannot merely “pull themselves together” and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people who suffer from depression”. Depressive disorders come in different forms that include Major Depression, Dysthymia and Bipolar Disorder.  When someone is depressed, they may experience symptoms which include:

• Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
• Decreased energy, fatigue, being “slowed down”
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
• Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
• Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
• Restlessness, irritability
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

Dysthymia is a mild to moderate depression versus a Major Depression is a severe depression.  Dysthymic Disorder lasts longer than a Major Depressive Episode but is not as disabling with regards to work, school and pleasurable activities.  The third type of Depressive Disorder is Bipolar Disorder.  In Bipolar Disorder, not only does the individual experience the symptoms of depression (lows) but also experiences symptoms of mania (highs).  Symptoms of mania include:

• Abnormal or excessive elation
• Unusual irritability
• Decreased need for sleep
• Grandiose notions
• Increased talking
• Racing thoughts
• Increased sexual desire
• Markedly increased energy
• Poor judgment
• Inappropriate social behavior

A few gender differences that I think are worth mentioning: depression is twice as common in women than in men; about 6 million men in the US are affected by depression and many go undiagnosed; depression in men may not present with feelings of hopelessness but rather irritability and discouragement; lastly, depression has shown to be associated with a higher risk of coronary artery disease both in men and women.

If you feel that you have symptoms of depression or mania, make sure you discuss it with your physician to properly formulate a working diagnosis and treatment plan.  There is good treatment available and you don’t have to suffer needlessly.

QUESTION

Stressed Writes:

Hi Dr Raj, I’ve recently been feeling overwhelmed by the difficulties of work, school and family life. My doctor had me taking ambien and zoloft for quite some time but the ambien started to make me binge eat!! Weird right? Also I would have conversations on the phone after taking it and not remember what I said. Now he switched me to klonopin at night but I’m not sleeping… it just relaxes me? any suggestions

ANSWER

Dear Stressed,

Being overwhelmed in our personal and/or professional life is not so uncommon; in fact, I think one can feel overwhelmed at times of challenge and growth (i.e. work, school and family life); with that said if one finds themselves experiencing significant mood symptoms such as depression and/or anxiety, it is important to understand it’s cause.

Remember that both the biology (our genetic predispositions) as well as our psychology (our internal belief systems, conscious and unconscious) are giving rise to our reality mentally and emotionally. Thus, it is critical to carefully explore one’s history in order to identify clues as to what the underlying cause is.

I think psychotherapy is an excellent modality to a detailed exploration and can be very supportive in resolving feelings of being overwhelmed; medications have their place as well and have been shown to be effective in treating a variety of anxiety and mood disorders. In reference to the Binge eating with the Ambien, it’s not listed as a side effect (which doesn’t mean it’s not possible) and is intended for short term use; you being confused about the contents of the conversations you had while taking the Ambien is not uncommon and is listed as a side effect; Klonopin is also habit forming and should be used with caution; I would suggest speaking to a Psychiatrist or a therapist to understand the exact nature of what the cause of your sleep disturbance is.

Also, look under categories “sleep problem” to view comments I had made about sleep to a different question on April 25th.

QUESTION

Kashee writes: I recently found out my 6 year old has been fabricating a detailed story for the last 2 weeks to her teacher and class.It involves us getting a dog including its name, breed, and day we were picking it up. It seems to have started when the above-described dog showed up on our lawn as a stray. It was actually a neighbor’s dog who we returned it to. Since then she has gone to play at the house with the dog several times. She has wanted a dog for many months. It has been explained several times to her why we can’t get a dog right now. When confronted about her fabrication she said that everyone in her class has a pet and she wanted to be “special” like them. Do you think this is normal for a child to make up such a detailed story? I have concern because there is a history of depression on my husband’s side of the family; and I want to know if I am jumping to conclusions or if this was some type of precursor to depression? This is very different behavior for her as we have provided her with many creative experiences such as Karate, Brownies, swimming, camping, and a 2 year old sister whom she gets along with very well. This concerns me on several levels because, to our knowledge she has never told elaborate lies and always tells us about things she is interested in and we try to provide them, such as Karate, etc. We believe that had her teacher not asked about the dog, we may never have known she was making this up. Any direction you could give would be appreciated.

ANSWER

Dear Kashee,

Children have rich fantasy lives and it is quite normal for your 6 year old to have come up with such a detailed story; children have an ability to suspend reality in order to explore and understand their environment and it’s possibilities; children do not use logic the same as us adults and thus, trying to logically explain to them the reasons why something can or cannot be done (i.e. not getting a dog) can require multiple attempts and still at the end of the day remain unclear to them.

Your 6 year old’s desire to be “special” brings a few things to mind; first of all, I think that in our society most kids get taught that their external reality defines their internal reality; i.e. if you have the latest toy or clothes, that somehow makes you more special); I see this work it’s way into adulthood, where adults seek to feel better about themselves via accumulating material wealth (which is usually on credit cards; average debt for a U.S household = $30,000); children need to be reminded that they are special just the way they are; they need to be reminded that we are all equal and that they have been special since the day they were born; I think that this leads to a greater resilience as adults and less vulnerability to the woes of everyday life.